Miss Makeover: “My boyfriend’s like that. It’s almost impossible to make him come.”

FOXY BOXING

Have you ever tried to elicit sympathy for a badly sprained wrist? If you have you’ll know that you won’t get any. There’ll much ribaldry from so-called friends. “My boyfriend’s like that. It’s almost impossible to make him come.” “You lost your vibrator.” “Run out of batteries?” and on. And on. Perhaps you have fewer sex industry/ amateur trollop friends.
Don’t whatever you do mention that it received a further painful jolting during a bitch fight – which is when everyone’s eyes light up and they demand details. Forget about ‘poor you! how dreadful. There, there,’ or a consoling hug. (Cue Kramer) Catfight! Catfight! They want to know about black girls fighting and I suppose you do too.
Just as I had got used to the new world order – piercing agony every time something stressed the bruised tendons – I was given a further jolt aboard a London bus. Herded off the tube in Camden and onto a crowded substitute bus it soon became apparent that I was going to get an exciting lesson in how the new woman behaves. She’s vibrant, sassy, ‘feisty’ (needlessly aggressive, pointlessly rude.). Apparently the Japanese are extra quiet and polite because of being crowded together. We do things differently in London.
The dispute was probably because of a collision on a crowded, cramped bus. It was made much worse by the aggressor being a short fat coal-black diesel dyke and the innocent party being tall, thin and light skinned. I was already pissed off because of ten minutes of pugilistic foreplay, (they were right behind me). Then I got off at the same time as the squat, stumpy one. As we approached the stop, the taller one threw fried food in a bag at her tormentor – which missed and hit someone polite and quiet. A short comedy fight then broke out, flailing arms, bloodcurdling threats, no punches landed. As one was fat and the other thin this could well have been a homage to Laurel and Hardy.
During this, the dumber, ruder one grabbed my sore wrist – badly bruised during some late night dancing. Later on, I told whoever would listen about my ordeal but no one cared. They were more interested in the dueling doxies. You just can’t beat boxing bitches – preferably in a bath of whitewash or custard. Well, wrestling women may be a close relation to love-making lesbians – as pointed out on Seinfeld – but it’s no fun for the ringside spectators. Not in real life anyway. It did give me more excuses to dance with Lady K, its unique painkilling properties being most efficacious and I suppose I could snare some clients interested in bandaged women. The Japanese like that sort of thing. Maybe I should check Tokyo out…

The Wrong Trousers

I’ve recently been attending perhaps too many fetish nights. It’s a real commitment, especially forking out for new outfits or travel when you’re doing it free. At a club in the country a few weeks back I was accosted by scene stalwart who informed me that I was outrageous for coming in black ‘fabric’ trousers. My excuse note goes to him and this blog: ‘Dear Sir, My catsuit is up the spout right now and its too hot to wear it anyway. My rubber strides are ripped in a secret place. I haven’t got round to maintenance.’

I was wearing a black rubber t-shirt and long boots with the trousers rolled up – a goth Captain Kirk look, if you must. But this was not enough. Nor could I hold the moral high ground and point out twenty people who were also not in full fetish regalia.  I could even name names, scene regulars with their own websites. Zippy goth combats anyone? (I got thrown out TG dressed like that once).

Added to this confusion was the fact that it was a theme night and for a lot of outfits, actual fetish or the flavour of BDSM, was in camouflage.

Do people have a pixie fetish? I’m not convinced. I’m not defending my wrong trousers, but lets discuss this for a bit, because I believe it reflects the whole scene at the moment.  This is an ongoing debate on Planet Perve, so your comments below are highly valued. For now my thoughts continue… Read more

Miss Makeover : Jeremy Clarkson Written In Come

BELLE DU JOUR

‘”I want to write my name in come all over you,” he said. I smirked. “You can’t fool me, you nicked that line from London Fields.”‘ Impressed by the real Belle Du Jour on a chat show, a smart, strong woman now revealed as a scientist who once worked as an escort, I read her book and found a client quoting from Martin Amis. Our narrator  recognises the quote instantly. While pigs fly across the sky behind them. No, of course I’m not jealous of her success, her telly series or her film deal.  How dare you?!  Well, I wish my clients quoted sharp, witty writers but they generally prefer to recycle Jeremy Clarkson, if  by some miracle they’re not talking at great length about themselves. Cue Belle Du Jour.  ’He looked at me strangely. “Amis fan?” he said idly, pulling himself with one hand.”‘
This putative punter may be pulling himself with one hand in more than one sense but he’s still preferable to the hounds I deal with. Read more

Facilitating Fetish: Social Networking for Perves

In the wake of Facebook privacy debates it seems that social media has become hot topic number one. Considering that more people ‘facebook’ (vb.) than ‘google’ these days and that the population of the former is exceeded only by China and India, it’s not surprising. Nor is it going to go away. Read more

Affordable Leather: Quality Bondage Gear

Affordable Leather, based in Portsmouth, have been living up to their name since 1993, supplying sensibly priced leather bondage and BDSM gear to many thousands of customers. Read more

Female Domination Films

The website for lovers of dominant women is FemDomFilms.com. They have recently upgraded their site with new content – and also made it a membership site. This means you can now download and keep all their films for a price you would previously have paid for just two of them! Read more

Not cut out to start at the bottom

Dear Patrick, I am very sure that I am a top. The other side of BDSM holds no erotic charge for me at all. But I keep reading (and being told) that the best way to learn how to be a top is to bottom. Frankly, such a thing would be repulsive to me. How can performing an act that I cannot enjoy going to teach me how to be a skilled top? I am an intelligent person with a reasonable amount of empathy. Why can’t I simply talk to the person I am playing with or educate myself in other ways?–Zero Bottom Energy Read more

Mark Ramsden – Unexpected Kink

Kink is twice as effective when happening unexpectedly in an everyday context. If I were Martin Amis or Will Self I would have used ‘quotidian’ there, but then they’re two halves of the same arse when it comes to pretentious prose. Which brings me to yesterday’s unexpected treat aboard a train. An attractive Oriental woman in a velvet dress had somehow managed to cover her bottom with crumbs that just weren’t going to shake off. So she stood, delectable derriere within nibbling distance, and proceeded to vigorously spank herself, shaking her booty to facilitate the cleansing process. Missus Lovett, my beautiful pussycat, geezerbirdbrain with an hour glass figure, not only doesn’t mind a healthy appreciation of such events she dug it herself, being bisexual. Read more

A mark is a permanent record

Dear Patrick: I very stupidly allowed my last master to have his name tattooed on my thigh. Why would he do this to me if he was just going to throw me out a few months later, claiming I had no potential to become a lifestyle submissive? It took me more than a year to get back to a stable place emotionally and financially. Our relationship ended so badly, and now every time I get dressed, I have to look at that possessive mark. There was a time when I wanted very much to be his property and would have done more than getting a tattoo if he had asked. But now what am I to do? I feel that this sends the wrong signal to any man who might be interested in me now. I can’t imagine it would be erotic to spread a girl’s legs if she was already branded by another man.–Returned Property Read more

David Aaron Clark, 1960 – 2009

David Aaron Clark was a true pioneer of the BDSM world. As Editor of Screw magazine in New York, David reviewed a book I published a million years ago and we knew at once we were friends. He moved to San Francisco in 1995 and we shipped crates of Skin Two magazines to his home South of Market. There was gunfire in the street outside. Midori put wasabi into his mouth then sewed his lips shut. His girlfriend was the craziest dominatrix in town. David moved to LA and became a film director. You could say he lived the life. David’s novels, journalism and performance art were the most vivid around – seek them out – but his private life was his real art. David Aaron Clark died on November 28th 2009. Below is his memorial video and here is a story he gave me. I always meant to publish it. He was talented, kind and a gentleman to the core. Rest in peace David.
Tim Woodward Read more

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