BDSMBadAdvice: How should I act at my first play party?

November 13, 2010 by

Dear BDSM Bad Advice,

I’m a bisexual woman and I just turned 18 last week. I think I’ve always been interested in BDSM. I started reading kinky stories online when I was 13 and started playing on Second Life a couple of years later. I’m curious about almost everything but I think I’m more of a submissive.

Now that I’m of legal age, I want to go to my first play party next weekend. There’s a dungeon about an hour away from where I live and their website says there are parties every weekend. I’m really excited but I don’t know what to expect or what to do. I don’t want to drive all that way, pay to get in and not get to play. Or even worse, embarrass myself and not be able to ever go back.

Please tell me what to do so I can have fun and make a good impression.

Nervous Noob

Dear Nervous Noob,

Between your young age and inexperience, you may encounter people who disrespect you or assume you can’t really know what you want. So I recommend that you lie about both. Tell everyone you meet that you’re 36 and that you’ve had a lot of Botox treatments. Since you’ve had five years of reading kinky smut and three years of online roleplay, tell them you have eight years in the scene. When they ask why they’ve never seen you before, just say you moved there from another city.

You’ll have to back up your claims with a bold demonstration of your knowledge. Grab a top’s singletail out of their hand during a scene and just start wailing on their bottom. It won’t matter if you’re no good at it. Just tell them that it’s just an Old Guard technique they’re unfamiliar with. Everyone in the scene has such reverence for everything Old Guard that they will believe you.

Everyone will be so impressed that you’ll have your pick of play partners, both tops and bottoms. When you approach a top, remember they will not respect anyone who has limits. Insist that you have none and that you never use a safeword. Also, all tops are Doms. As an uncollared submissive, you are automatically in service to every top/Dom at the party. So when you approach them, grovel at their feet and call them Master or Mistress. They will appreciate your directness.

Follow this advice and you are sure to make an impression that will not be soon forgotten!

Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.

Jonathan’s new BDSM Bad Advice webcomic with artist Chris Kelsey has just debuted at BDSMBadAdvice.com! Check it out!

Have a question you’d like to ask BDSMBadAdvice? Send an e-mail to BDSMBadAdvice@gmail.com.

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BDSMBadAdvice: How do I earn my leather?

October 23, 2010 by

Dear BDSMBadAdvice,

I have long been interested in Leather but I only recently worked up the nerve to do anything about it. So I went to my city’s biggest leather store last week and bought over $2000 worth of leather items.

Last night, I proudly wore all my shiny new leather to a local leather bar. I was hoping to make some new friends who might teach me about Leather, or possibly even the Master of my dreams. Instead, a stranger lambasted me for wearing a bunch leather I clearly hadn’t earned. I was so embarrassed!

Before I go back to that bar and risk humiliation again, can you please tell me how I should earn my leather?

Closet Full of Unearned Leather

Dear Closet Full of Unearned Leather,

Yours is a common problem. Enthusiastic newbies often want to embrace every aspect of Leather culture with gusto, and leather stores are very happy to sell them lots of clothes and accessories. Sometimes, though, these stores don’t take the time to explain the rich symbolism behind every piece of leather. For this reason, a secret cabal of Leathermen has created universal procedures for earning each item.

The Bureau of Official Old Guard Protocols recommends questing for leather items. Go back to that Leather bar in your street clothes. Don’t worry about whether the bar has a dress code. Just tell the bouncer that you seek a quest. Seek an elder Leatherman with an orange question mark floating over his head. To earn a leather armband, he will have you kill a dozen level-10 zombies or bring him eight martinis. You will have to complete several lower-level quests before you are ready to earn bigger items like chaps. Some more challenging quests, like for a Master’s cap, require a party of up to five people. Also, it’s helpful to remember that you earn double experience if you’re rested.

An alternative method of earning leather is to shoplift from the leather store. This requires many of the same skills you’d use for questing, so the Bureau considers the two methods roughly equivalent. You will have to hide items in your body cavities, so again, it’s best to start with smaller items like gloves. With practice, you’ll be able to accommodate things like spanking benches and bondage beds.

When you go out wearing the leather you’ve earned by either of these methods, it’s important that everyone knows that you have the right to wear it. Leave on all the pricetags, and in the case of shoplifted items, the anti-theft devices. Also, be sure to wear all your clothes correctly. For example, true Leathermen only tuck in one side of their shirts. Go over your boots with very coarse sandpaper to give them a matte finish. Masters always wear lacy pink bras on their heads. Boys put a cigarette in each nostril.

You’ll never have to worry about being embarrassed at the leather bar ever again.

Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.

Have a question you’d like to ask BDSMBadAdvice? Send an e-mail to BDSMBadAdvice@gmail.com.

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BDSMBadAdvice: Should I pierce people when I’m sick?

October 18, 2010 by

Dear BDSMBadAdvice,

Months ago, I agreed to help my friend with her play piercing class. She anticipated a very large turnout and wanted another experienced piercing top to assist participants. She agreed to pay me a percentage of the proceeds for my help.

Unfortunately, I came down with strep throat and a sinus infection a few days ago. The class is tomorrow night and I will surely still be highly contagious. Obviously, it would be extremely risky to pierce people while sick, but I really want that money.

Is there some way I can still do the class with a clear conscience?

Sick Sick Fuck

Dear Sick Sick Fuck,

The key to selfishness without guilt is to adopt beliefs that allow you to rationalize what you want to do. In your case, you should convert to a religion that denies that infectious diseases are caused by viruses and bacteria. Christian Scientists believe that illnesses are caused by the mind. All you have to do is take lots of medication to cover up the symptoms so you don’t inadvertently plant the idea of illness in anyone’s mind. If anyone gets sick after attending the class, it’s their own fault for not praying enough.

Don’t worry about your new religion preventing you from having a good time at dungeon parties. Remember the 2nd Commandment: “Thou shalt pick and choose which parts of thy religion thou shalt follow.” This is the commandment that allows Evangelicals to denounce homosexuals with a mouthful of bacon while wearing their cotton/polyester blend “What Would Jesus Do?” t-shirts. Just adopt the one aspect of Christian Science that makes your life easier and ignore the rest.

Another approach is to integrate medical play into the class. Needles are often used in medical play scenes, so this justification is quite plausible. Just tell your friend that you are introducing the risk of hospital-acquired infection for the sake of realism. She will appreciate the extra effort, as will the edge players in the audience.

Follow this advice and you will be able to put your entire community at risk without even a miniscule twinge of guilt.

Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.

Have a question you’d like to ask BDSMBadAdvice? Send an e-mail to BDSMBadAdvice@gmail.com.

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BDSMBadAdvice: How do I become a kink educator?

October 7, 2010 by

Dear BDSMBadAdvice,

Can you tell me how to become a kink educator?

Lee Harrington

Dear Lee,

First, I recommend that you move to San Francisco. Kink education is the foundation of the city’s economy. Like actors in Los Angeles, almost every barista and waiter you meet in SF is a wildly successful BDSM presenter or author.

Many of us kink educators start out busking in train stations. The advantage of a train station is that you don’t have to pay a fee to rent the space or split the admissions. I recommend the Embarcadero BART station. It has a number of conveniently placed suspension points. There’s plenty of space to set up slings or crosses and lots of tourist traffic. I find that German visitors in particular really appreciate demos involving scat.

You’re going to need a subject to teach. If you don’t have a class put together yet, you should attend the class of an established educator to get an idea of how presentations are structured. Then take the handout from the class, cross out the presenter’s name and write in your own. Just a quick trip to San Francisco Public Library to make copies and you’ve got your first class!

Trying to come up with material to fill one or two hours can seem daunting at first, but the time goes by faster than you’d think. Here’s an easy way to create a two-hour class:

  • One hour of apocryphal horror stories and urban legends about what can go wrong. This works no matter what you’re teaching, even aftercare.

  • Fifteen-minute break.

  • Ask the audience to give their definitions of every term connected to your topic, and a few that aren’t. This fills about half an hour.

  • For the last fifteen minutes, put on a demo. By this time, your audience will be so impressed they won’t care what you show them.

I guarantee you’ll be getting fisted on piles of $100 bills within six weeks of starting your career if you follow this advice.

Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.

Have a question you’d like to ask BDSMBadAdvice? Send an e-mail to BDSMBadAdvice@gmail.com.

Oh my God! Double penetration all the way across the sky! So intense! What does it mean?
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BDSMBadAdvice: Where are the submissive boys?

October 2, 2010 by

Dear BDSMBadAdvice,

I am a gay Leatherman living in a large city. After years of identifying as a boy, I have begun exploring my Daddy side in the last year. I’m fairly attractive, in pretty good shape, college-educated, self-employed and active in my city’s Leather community. I don’t seem to have a problem attracting young men; it’s more that the men I attract aren’t exactly what I seek. A lot of young guys are excited by the idea of having a Leather Daddy, but aren’t interested in service or kinky sex.

What am I doing wrong, BDSMBadAdvice? Where are all the boys who want to serve a Daddy who will beat them and fuck them roughly?

Aspiring Daddy

Dear Aspiring Daddy,

I can see why you’re having trouble finding what you want. Real submissives and masochists find nothing less attractive than a lean, handsome man in leather who wants to use them for his pleasure. Quit the gym, gain about fifty pounds and neglect your grooming and hygiene. Instead of leather, wear a sequined figure skating costume when you go out. I guarantee that young, submissive boys will trample their own grandmothers to wear your collar.

Integrity and experience are essential qualities for a Leather Daddy, so you should lie to give yourself the appearance of having them. Tell boys that you’ve been a Daddy for twenty years and that you trained in a European Old Guard Leather house. Tell them that Mr. Benson was your mentor. This works best if you only communicate with them online. The lies are more believable if there are no other Leathermen around to refute your claims.

Speaking of the internet, all your online profiles should be poorly spelled, typed in all caps and lacking punctuation. This shows boys you are extremely Dominate.

Show your confidence by making outrageous demands on prospective boys. Tell them they aren’t real subs if they question your directives. Demand that they let you fuck them bareback without knowing your HIV status. In fact, get angry if they ask you anything about yourself. True subs should submit unconditionally without knowing to whom they are submitting.

In other words, since seeking a boy honestly and honorably clearly isn’t working, try dishonesty and dishonor instead. You’ll have a dozen boys within a week. Online, anyway.

Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.

Have a question you’d like to ask BDSMBadAdvice? Send an e-mail to BDSMBadAdvice@gmail.com.

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Pushing the Limits

March 17, 2010 by

Dear Patrick
Is it normal for someone to play at heavier and heavier levels as they are in the scene? I find myself doing things that I wouldn’t have thought possible in the beginning. Sometimes it scares me a little, or I feel ashamed the next day. I don’t know if that is just old conditioning or if I should really be concerned. Where is the line? How do I know if I have already crossed it?
Sensation Slut [Read more...]

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