Online and Offline, That is The Question

Dear Patrick,
I recently struck up an acquaintance with a young lady online who said that she had four years of experience as a “sensuous female dominant.” Because she talked a good game, I agreed to meet her, and it was a disaster. Or at least a huge disappointment. She finally admitted to me that her experience had all been with online domination. I tried to explain that you can’t compare just talking about BDSM with actually doing it. She got quite offended and told me that her online slaves were genuine submissives, and her relationships with them were real. We agreed to drop it, but lately I find that I miss her and almost wish to send her email again. Am I crazy, lonely, or stupid?
Bottom Boy Read more

Tit Torture

Dear Patrick
Can the male nipple become the erotic equivalent of the female breast? My wife is quite bossy in bed, and she wants my nipples to respond to her by getting hard. She has put clamps on them, tugged on them and bitten them, used hot wax and nasty little emery boards until they are perpetually sore. I hate to feel my shirt touch them. Why isn’t it enough for her to see an erection in the usual place?
Tit-Whipped

Dear Tit-Whipped
Hmmm. Given that I am on your wife’s side here, what shall I tell you? Should I lie to you and make you feel bad because you aren’t producing the desired results, or should I tell you the truth and we can both admit she’s just Hell on Wheels sadistic?

Is the male nipple an erogenous zone? Sometimes, for some guys. Straight men can be shy about it, knowing that there are gay men who tug on their tits until they are practically as big as my thumb. But having sexy nipples is not an index of orientation. Some men even get nipple erections if they are cold or turned on. But some guys miss out on all that fun. Even with training, their nipples just don’t seem to be wired up and connected to their genitals.

That doesn’t mean they have no feeling there, however. They can certainly feel nipple clamps, ice cubes, hot wax, abrasion, pinching, pulling, twisting, and smacking. I’ve known guys who came to enjoy this type of nipple play just because they liked pain.

I think what your wife is doing to you qualifies as a Mistress Game. Heads, she wins. Tails, you lose. By ordering you to do something that you are physically incapable of doing, she gives herself permission to continue to “torture” you. I think I like her.
And I bet you do too. Tch, tch, T.W., you are using the genre of complaining in order to do a little bragging, aren’t you? If you can write to me and honestly tell me that you don’t jerk off when you think about what’s happening to you, I’ll try to get you out of it. Maybe. But you might have to show me a hard titty first.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Six of the Best is Best

Dear Patrick
Do you find, anymore, that people understand the distinction between a caning and a flogging? I detest leather whips. They have an ugly appearance and make a barbaric racket. What I want is something sleek and tidy, something civilized and yet impressive—the cane. But it seems to have become just one more implement in a whole arsenal of weapons used to attack the human body. I suppose I am—Old-Fashioned

Dear Old-Fashioned: Would you like to come over to my house tonight?
I can’t speak for the majority of British players, but I do know that in America, the cane is widely feared and perhaps even stigmatized. The leather whips that you think are barbaric are seen as “civilized and yet impressive.” Relatively few people will agree to be caned. It’s seen as one of the most painful things you can endure, in between a cat-o’-nine-tails and a bullwhip. Even tops who use canes find that they have to warm up the bottom with lesser equipment before they can dish out six of the best.
(Do y’all really say that, or is it just a convention of 1960s American porn about decadent British gentlemen?)

The first time I picked up a cane, I knew I had found my heart’s desire. There are in fact a wide range of sensations that can be created with a cane. But it also provides a merry-hell-come-to-daddy pain that I prize because it comes in two parts. As the nerve is compressed, it signals pain, and as it expands, there is a second chord of agony. That swish is music to my ears.

I do understand that not everyone can simply bend over and take stripes from the awesome and mind-altering, flexible beauty. Those who can not only endure it but relish it are a rare breed. And I want all of their phone numbers. So I salute you, O.F., and wish that Americans weren’t such a big bunch of sissy pants.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Before You Marry Me…

Dear Patrick,
I can’t believe I am writing to you, but my fiance has insisted. He says he has certain needs and he feels it would be best if I knew about them before we got married. It actually sounds to me as if I have to gratify his fantasies, or he will break it off with me. I don’t want that, I love him. But I can’t understand the things that I see on this website. I can understand the appeal of a woman dressed in a sexy way—all men like their lingerie and I have the usual club attire with a latex dress and high heels. But it never occurred to me that somebody I love would want to be tied up or hurt, the thought makes me cringe. What can I do to save my engagement?
Baffled

Dear Baffled,
Hooboy. My heart goes out to you. It is disorienting and sometimes even frightening or disgusting to look at explicit images of a form of sexuality that doesn’t turn you on. You have your own idea of what is sexy, and certain expectations of your husband-to-be. You probably had devoted a lot of thought to what your life would be like with him. And now it’s been upset by his confession.

But I do think it is much, much better for him to tell you about this now. In my own life I have often encountered people who got divorces because their spouses could not satisfy them sexually. This is especially messy if there are children involved. When people are incompatible, it is better for them to agree to be friends and go their separate ways.

Listen to me, now. Don’t just go away and cry. A sexual fetish for being tied up, spanked, or whatever else your husband needs is usually not a casual thing that he can do without to make you happy. If he marries you and has no outlet for these interests, he will either become a bitter and distant man, or he will start seeing women he can pay to dominate him. Is that what you want for yourself? Do you want to be with someone, make love, and then always wonder if it was enough to really satisfy him? Most BDSM people like vanilla sex as well, but we are not emotionally stable if we can’t express this side of ourselves.
I can say that I have sometimes managed to introduce women to BDSM who had never thought of it as a possibility before. Their imaginations get stimulated, they are curious, and they are willing to try it. But there is a big difference between a newcomer who takes to it like a fish released in water, or the person who thinks maybe they could pretend to do it if they only had to do a little and they didn’t have to go through that ordeal very often.

If you fall into the latter category, your husband will be able to tell that you aren’t really enjoying what you are doing. (If he can’t tell, he’s an ass, and you should divorce him anyway.) The little bit of play that he gets won’t be enough. But to you it will feel as if you have done a lot for him, because you have exceeded your own preferences to try to oblige him. That won’t work either.

From your letter, it doesn’t sound as if you want to see what BDSM feels like before you make up your mind. You don’t express any fantasies about it or curiosity about what you are seeing. It’s just turning you off. But I may be misjudging you. If you are curious, maybe you should ask your fiance to do a little bit of a scene with you so you can have a real experience instead of judgments.

Once again, the success or failure of that experience is based on your own sexuality. If getting tied up makes you wet, if having him spank you makes you want to come, then you are in the right place. But if you are uncomfortable and feel out of place, don’t inflict that on yourself. Stop the experiment before you feel even worse.

I wish I could hand you a magic formula to either take away his fetish or create the same needs in you. But such things seem to be hard-wired or learned/socialized at such an early age that they cannot be changed. Just don’t blame yourself—or him. This is nobody’s fault. This may be the most important decision you’ll ever make—for yourself and for your children. Be selfish. Consider your own needs, and put them first. You deserve a relationship that is satisfying for you, whether kinky or not.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Divided by a Common Language

Dear Patrick,
What is this obsession Americans have about tops and bottoms? It’s as if they are two different species. My friends and I like kinky sex along with all the regular stuff, but we’d never make a big deal out of a bottom who suddenly decided to top, for example. Unless they’d made a mess of it! We’d just all say “Good for her,” or him, and order another pint and see what we could scare up for our own evening entertainment. Aren’t we all a bit of both? Depending on who I am with, a totally different side of me might come out, and I don’t want to limit my options by getting stuck with some label. But it seems to me the whole scene is overrun with American influence!
Made in Britain

Dear Made in Britain,
You’re bringing up two points, really—whether American kinksters have too much influence overseas, and whether any useful purpose is served by using labels like “top” and “bottom.” Wish I knew what you think about the term “switch,” because a lot of the desires and behavior you describe could fit—no, I won’t say it. You are beyond labels.

Let me take the first issue first. A preoccupation with order is often associated with this thing called topness. It’s certainly true that during the last decade, there was a virtual explosion of S/M literature that came from the US. Suddenly we had instruction manuals for nipple play, spanking, how to be a mistress, how to be a bottom, yada yada yada. Greenery Press has done a lot of good in this area. I frankly would have devoured these books like toffee if they’d been available when I was a sprout of a sadist. But they might have put me off as well. All this instruction can take the spontaneity and wicked fun out of it. As my British friends have pointed out, Americans can talk your head off. They negotiate so much there’s no energy left to be naughty.

But I think publications like Skin Two (and there aren’t really any that compare) have done a great job of publicizing British and European resources. When I’ve traveled abroad, I’ve found thriving kinky communities in every city. (Vienna, I miss you guys!!) Each one has its own flavor, style, slang, mores, and specialties. But there’s not such a tendency to keep track of the scene’s history in England and Europe, which is a shame, because some of the hottest erotica and most stylish looks come out of that world.

As far as I am concerned, America will always be The Colonies, and the spiritual home of all kinky people is England. Victorians referred to spanking as “the English vice,” for good reason. Nowhere else do you find the same kind of brisk discipline, stiff upper lip masochism, and rude jokes. You can stack up all the books by American authors but they won’t reach as high as that.

I know that multinational capitalism is responsible for the spread of a lot of American crap. But especially in subcultures, we have the freedom to make things our own. If you don’t like the American flavor of pervery, by all means, write and publish and sing and runway your own. And invite me to the party.

Second, you are asking a bigger question about terminology and roles. Just how formal do we need to be when we define our identities? Do we lose something when we polarize certain behaviors or desires and think of them as opposites? Well, of course! That’s why paradigms are constantly being remade, reshaped, subverted, inverted, and rediscovered. But humans are such tricky and complicated animals that every time we think we understand ourselves and have a way to describe it, we defeat our own wisdom, slip out of the boxes, and turn into something else. It’s fascinating.

I really like the approach that you and your friends have taken to BDSM. I think that it may stand a chance of meeting more people’s needs as well. The use of the top/bottom system has left a lot of people stranded. If you only focus on your needs to submit or get done, you miss out on a lot of the fun of grabbing somebody else and doing them. More switching would take care of some of the problem our community has with lonely bottoms who do not get enough play. But that’s only if everyone would agree to top as much as they bottom.

But I don’t think you are going to get rid of the polarization because for many people, it is the most accurate description of their core sexual needs and personalities. I’ve heard many bottoms say that they won’t play with a top who switches. They need that polarization before they can feel that the top genuinely wants to do things to them. There’s also a minority of tops who don’t like bottoms who switch, but we do tend to be less picky about it. I think for many tops, the idea of bottoms who switch is like straight men who like lesbian porn. We want to watch it, we think it’s cute and hot, but in the back of our minds we always imagine wading in and refocusing the action on our own implements.

Some people eroticize the idea of having sex with someone who is like themselves. They relax, get excited, and feel safe when they believe the other person wants the same thing that they do. But others eroticize difference and the tension and mystery that comes with it. They are not excited by someone who resembles them. They might require a difference in gender expression, body size, race, class, or sexual energy.

Over the three decades I’ve been in this community, I have always seen both components within BDSM. There are the people who want their set categories to be mutually exclusive. They feel they are entitled to a certain amount of respect because of the time and energy they devote to maintaining certain standards of conduct and appearance. Many of them like uniforms. Then there are the anarchic, polymorphous perverse troublemakers who just do exactly what they want, when they want it, without consulting the rule book first. I believe there’s a lot of excitement to be had in just knowing you are thumbing your nose at a perhaps older and certainly more rigid crowd. The look for this group of people is more eclectic and cutting-edge.

Besides. Seriously. What if you wrote to me and I said, “You have to cut this out, figure out what you are, and stick to that. That’s the only way you’re going to be honest or find any happiness or a stable relationship.”? You’d just say “bollocks” and do whatever you wanted to do. As it should be!

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Keeping BDSM in a Compartment

Dear Patrick,

I am a married man and cannot afford to go home to my wife with bruises or other marks. Yet I am seriously masochistic, and when I see a dominatrix, I want a fired-up, mean, elegant one who will thrash the hell out of me.

I know people outside of our community won’t understand this, and I didn’t understand it myself for a long time. But at my age I no longer care what other people think. I am a responsible provider, and I work long hours at a job I dislike. The beatings and the role-playing take me into another world, and give me a release that keeps me peaceful and able to be amicable with my distant and critical wife. But I always find myself pulling back, afraid that I will go home with evidence that will ruin my carefully organized life.

I want to keep the whipping and caning away from the suburbs!

Commuter Between Two Worlds

Dear Commuter,

Unfortunately, a lot of people find themselves in your situation. So please don’t feel that I am being critical when I discuss this a bit. I know many men (and a few women) who entered long-term, committed relationships because they assumed their interest in BDSM was a minor thing that they could easily give up. Sometimes they hoped they would be able to interest their mates in it eventually. I know that in mainstream culture, we often define sexual orientation by the gender of our partners. But I think that BDSM constitutes a sexual orientation that has little to do with gender. And I think it is as global and as difficult to change or give up as being heterosexual, bisexual, or gay.

You have set your own life path, and you haven’t asked for advice about your marriage (or your job), so I won’t give you any. But I will tell you that it is damned difficult to give somebody a hard whipping, spanking, paddling, or caning without leaving any marks. The impact is naturally going to create bruises. You can minimize this by abstaining from aspirin or any other drug that interferes with blood clotting. Take your vitamins. Taking arnica is often recommended by my martial artist friends as a way to heal bruises quickly.
Some implements are more likely to cause bruising than others. But it is definitely a myth that you can beat someone with a rubber hose, for example, and leave no marks. I find that I can sometimes give a masochist a decent ride if I aim only for the skin. I don’t allow the strike to go below the surface. Even so, if the implement is thin, there is the occasional scratch or weal.

If your wife is distant, is it at all possible to conceal your body from her while you heal? Will she think it odd if she never sees you completely naked? You can take your pajamas into the bathroom and put them on after your shower. If the marks are confined to your buttocks, you can be careful about showing your back side to her.

Another option is to branch out into other forms of play. There are many ways to cause intense sensation or erotic pain other than whipping. There is temperature play, pressure on sensitive areas from clips or clamps, and electricity. If you decide to go that route, send me another letter, because electrical play requires a lot of expertise and the right equipment in order to be safe. But it certainly will not leave any marks.

I sympathize with your desire to keep everything neatly compartmentalized. Only you can say if the benefits you’ve gained from having an outwardly normal life have outweighed the self-denial and fear of discovery.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Balance Your Needs

Dear Patrick,
I am having trouble with a slave who seems to have a conflict about the sort of relationship we are in, even though she signed a contract which explicitly handed over extensive rights to me. Things go smoothly enough when we are having sex, but she balks at doing the tasks around the house that I have ordered her to do. We recently had a discussion (no such thing is supposed to take place; she is only supposed to say “Yes Sir” and get on with it) about whether she could go back to school. I told her that was a privilege she could earn by three months of excellent service. If I believe she is doing all of her service, and yet seems to have some time and energy left over, then I could consider schooling as a way to improve my property.
She got sulky and let me know in her typical, passive-aggressive way that she isn’t ready to obey me fully and without question. I care for this slave very much. The time we spend playing is just really good. But having an angry girl banging pots around the kitchen and making a mess of my boots is not my idea of 24/7. Do I punish her, demote her from 24/7, or send her away with a warning that she can’t return unless she changes her attitude?
You will probably think I am a pathetic excuse for a master by asking another top about how to handle my slave, but you’ll really be amused by this: escalating our relationship to 24/7 master/slave was HER idea.
The Putative God of Her Destiny

Dear Putative God,
Oh, dear. I don’t think you are pathetic, but I do think you are getting pushed around. There are too many supposedly 24/7 BDSM relationships in which a strong-willed bottom insisted on the arrangement with a top who isn’t necessarily wired that way but goes along with it to preserve the connection. Such a bottom is rarely capable of the deep level of surrender that a “slave” offers, and will always be dissatisfied. Their “owner” is always either too strong-willed and stepping out of line by insisting on things they don’t want to do, or not strong enough to keep things going. This is a double bind situation in which the top can never, ever win.

The fantasy of a 24/7 BDSM relationship is a very popular one, and I understand why. When I am in the midst of a session, I often wish I could stay in that altered state forever. But like many fantasies, it can be surprisingly difficult to translate into reality, partly because you cannot conduct a whole relationship in an altered state. A real “slave” has to be able to keep a submissive head space during times when the “master” is distracted, at work, doing something else, sick, or baffled by a life problem they don’t know how to solve. Being a “slave” is not a 24/7 session. It is a graceful way of maneuvering through your “owner’s” life, shadowing him or her, doing everything you can to make their life easier, even if it is not sexy. You have to understand that you will not be the primary focus of your “master’s” life. They will be focused on making themselves happy. You are welcome and useful only insomuch as you become an accessory to that goal.

It also means allowing somebody else to shape the direction of your life, even the structure of your personality, and giving them the right to punish you when you get lippy, sulk, deliberately fuck up, or disappoint them in any way. How many people would you trust with that much control? I would take such a relationship structure very seriously. I would not embark upon it merely because a submissive thought it was what he or she needed. The 24/7 relationship has to be what BOTH parties need, and for the top, it is an ENORMOUS amount of work. But it is not about “my master loving me enough to provide for my needs and make sure I have what I want.” It’s the other way around, love.

I do recommend that owners periodically order the slave to make an honest report about the state of their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. For example, if a slave is becoming depressed, I would want to know. It’s an important problem, like becoming overweight, going through a crisis of faith, being angry with me, or feeling lonely. But I take a great deal of interest in the interior experience of my property. Other tops are not so psychologically oriented. As Guy Baldwin says, “In this situation, the glove has to slip onto the hand with great ease.” If being a slave makes you feel unhappy or angry, maybe it’s not the right place for you.

I realize that some people in the scene, some very competent people who I respect, will disagree with some of what I have said. Do some reading and talk to others in the scene before you make up your mind about how the ideal S/M relationship would look to you. I believe every top needs colleagues. As one top to another, I will warn you that S/M on the ground does not always work the way one is led to believe by educational literature and demonstrations at conferences. It’s not a simple matter of negotiating, playing, and feeling great.

Many bottoms are ambivalent about going under. They may know that they need a big push to get there, but they may also resent you for being capable of taking them to the point of surrender. Doing that must make you a villain, a bad guy or a dangerous woman. Oddly enough, if you give them what they want and need, they will come to mistrust and resent you. If this is what has happened to your girlfriend, you may not be able to do anything to save the relationship. But she may need to do some work on herself to understand that this is a toxic thing to do to a person who cares for her and wants to make her happy.

There is no “best” way to do BDSM. The 24/7 relationship is not superior to, hotter than, or more Old Guard than other forms. This scene offers you a lot of freedom to explore, experiment, and create exactly what you want.

So. The two of you are in a standoff. What to do? You feel that she is not living up to her end of the contract and she doesn’t want to be kept from her educational goals. If you can find a kink-aware couples counselor, they might be able to do you some good. But I would also consider de-escalating the relationship. Get rid of the contract. Go back to basics and reconnect with one another, re-experience the things that brought you together in the first place. Try to make the relationship rewarding on a scene-by-scene basis.

In the future, if you do want to try 24/7 again, and you’ve found a submissive who also desires this, set up a gradual training process. The first time you give her an order, she isn’t going to want to obey, it should be something small and manageable. Talk about it afterward. See if she can eroticize becoming a being who yields, someone who thrives on service, who wants something just because you do. If so, you may have a candidate on your hands. But never take it to the next level just because there’s some imaginary status that you’ll gain. And don’t do it because she wants it. Consult your own libido first.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

The Proper Dominatrix

Dear Patrick,
How do I tell a real dominatrix from someone who is merely trying to get a few hundred pounds out of me? I’ve had such a hard time finding a relationship with a dominant lady that I have been willing to offer “tribute,” but I want fair value. I’ve been in some pretty odd situations lately, with women who promised full dungeons, for example, who had nothing of the sort. Or the usual idiocy when somebody sends you an attractive, youthful picture, but in person they are obviously ten or twelve years older. I am usually so keyed up that I go ahead with the encounter, but I’d really like to find someone who understands the submissive male and won’t lie to me. Even in a kinky relationship of a limited nature, that seems like a bad beginning to me.
A Genuine Submissive

Dear Genuine Submissive,
Laws regarding commercial sex vary a great deal from one locale to another. In some jurisdictions, the legal system does not pursue action against BDSM establishments. However, you should always be aware of what the laws are in your region, and be aware that I cannot advocate that you commit an illegal act.

Unfortunately, there are a handful of sex workers who believe they can charge more and do less by appealing to the pervs. They don’t have any deep knowledge of our scene or any respect for it. Unless you’ve got a specific fetish for having a prostitute rough you up, this isn’t—as you point out—the ideal setting for a genuine submissive. You need a new strategy to weed out the frauds.

I think part of the problem is that your desires are in an uproar when you make these visits. To put it another way, you don’t always set out to see a dominatrix when common sense is in charge. I believe commercial domination works best when you find somebody who is (a) physically attractive to you, (b) highly skilled, and (c) the operator of a safe and sexy place for scenes. Instead of looking for dates when you are horny enough to go blind, devote some time to meeting a domme when you are not in a frenzy. Explain that you are looking for someone you can see on a regular basis, and ask if you can pay for an hour of her time, to meet, have a conversation about what you like, and see her space.

The phonies will not want to do this. But a well-established and knowledgeable mistress will probably be relieved to meet someone with good manners and common sense. (She may also charge a lot more.) Arrive on time, be neatly dressed, and don’t stay longer than the time allotted—unless she invites you to do so. Keep her contact information on hand so that when the moon is full, you already have a safe place to be locked up. For your own good, of course.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Patrick Califia’s New Weekly Advice Column on SkinTwo.com

Patrick Califia is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex. For us, Patrick is simply the top writer on BDSM. He combines knowledge, intelligence, common sense, good humour and a healthy dose of lust. Read more

BDSM and Personal Limits

Dear Patrick,

Does an agreement to engage in BDSM play also constitute an agreement to have sex? I recently had a date with a married couple, both dominant, who seemed just fine when we had a coffee date to set up some limits. I enjoyed the scene very much, but then, while I was still in bondage, the husband proceeded to try to remove my panties and get his hands in there. I told him no, repeatedly, and he laughed and said he liked a bit of resistance, but I was really being a pain. He bluntly told me that girls who like to get spanked, etc., always want to get off as well, and he’d never had any complaints.

His wife was watching the whole interaction, which confused me even more. If another woman is approving of what he’s saying, in the back of my head I guess I began to doubt my own limits. I stuck to my guns anyway and got out of there, but he was pretty angry with me. I basically grabbed my clothes and got dressed on the stairs on the way down. I don’t want a return engagement, but it seems pretty clear he is doing this to other girls. I am a relative newcomer to the fetish scene, and he seems to have quite a good reputation, which is one of the reasons why I agreed to do this with him in the first place. Ever since then I’ve felt quite dirty, as if I did something wrong, and I haven’t been eager to set up another play date. – Scamp

Dear Scamp,

It is my personal understanding that an agreement to get tied up, paddled, etc. is NOT permission to provide sex to the top, especially if the bottom is physically restrained. The law looks very dimly on that sort of thing. It’s called rape. And if you throw in all of the kinky sex, I have no doubt that a top who did this would find themselves in jeopardy of a jail sentence.

However, I also find that assumptions about whether every BDSM session will include sex vary a great deal from one community (or even circle of friends) to another. So I always recommend that you specifically mention genital sex when you negotiate. If you do not want to mix sex with SM, say so – and make sure the other person will be satisfied by an encounter with that limit. If you might agree, but want to have a separate conversation about it when the SM is done, that’s just fine. Some people require sexual stimulation to be able to enjoy SM play, and they need to mention this as well, to be sure the top is comfortable providing it.

This guy obviously enjoys pushing people’s limits and breaking them. Shame on his wife for standing by while another woman was subjected to this coercion! He probably gets away with it because his victims are frightened and ashamed. They say to themselves, “Nobody would believe I didn’t want sex after all the other things I’d done. He’s already established; I’m a nobody. Even if I told other people, they wouldn’t believe me or wouldn’t be able to stop him.”

When our community was smaller, we had some success with policing ourselves and ousting people who didn’t play nicely. (That had its own problems, as people were sometimes stigmatized just because others didn’t approve of their style of play.) Now, the community is so large and decentralized, it’s difficult to get consensus about a problem or deal with it.

This is why every novice should try to find a mentor, or at least a friend in the scene who is more experienced. You need at least one person you can tell about this who can advise you and comfort you. Of course you feel reluctant to make any other dates! This one was traumatic. I feel so angry when vulnerable people are exploited by egomaniacs who seem to lack a normal conscience.

I will also suggest that sometimes on the first date it is NOT a good idea to allow yourself to be placed in bondage that is so complete, you can’t get out of it. I know being genuinely helpless is a major turn-on for many of us. But you can consider that first date the top’s audition. People ought to have to prove they deserve your trust before you place your safety in their hands. Think about what sort of extra limits you might need in order to resume play. It’s okay to ask a trusted friend to be present in the next room, you know, as a sort of “spotter.” He had his wife—you should have had an advocate as well.

Please feel free to write again if you are having trouble getting over this. I can at least assure you that most tops would be horrified by behavior like this, and would never put their hands on you without permission. These people are not really BDSM players; their proclivities are ugly and beyond the pale. They are predators using BDSM style and language to conceal their real agenda.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com