Six of the Best is Best

Dear Patrick
Do you find, anymore, that people understand the distinction between a caning and a flogging? I detest leather whips. They have an ugly appearance and make a barbaric racket. What I want is something sleek and tidy, something civilized and yet impressive—the cane. But it seems to have become just one more implement in a whole arsenal of weapons used to attack the human body. I suppose I am—Old-Fashioned

Dear Old-Fashioned: Would you like to come over to my house tonight?
I can’t speak for the majority of British players, but I do know that in America, the cane is widely feared and perhaps even stigmatized. The leather whips that you think are barbaric are seen as “civilized and yet impressive.” Relatively few people will agree to be caned. It’s seen as one of the most painful things you can endure, in between a cat-o’-nine-tails and a bullwhip. Even tops who use canes find that they have to warm up the bottom with lesser equipment before they can dish out six of the best.
(Do y’all really say that, or is it just a convention of 1960s American porn about decadent British gentlemen?)

The first time I picked up a cane, I knew I had found my heart’s desire. There are in fact a wide range of sensations that can be created with a cane. But it also provides a merry-hell-come-to-daddy pain that I prize because it comes in two parts. As the nerve is compressed, it signals pain, and as it expands, there is a second chord of agony. That swish is music to my ears.

I do understand that not everyone can simply bend over and take stripes from the awesome and mind-altering, flexible beauty. Those who can not only endure it but relish it are a rare breed. And I want all of their phone numbers. So I salute you, O.F., and wish that Americans weren’t such a big bunch of sissy pants.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Erotica ‘09 Hits London!

From Friday 20th to Sunday 22nd November, the Olympia exhibition space will once again be taken over for the annual Erotica exhibition. Erotica showcases thousands of the best and most exciting people and products from the world of erotica. It’s a must for your calendar! Read more

London & Paris!

Planning on coming to the Skin Two Rubber Ball?  What would you say to a round trip, taking in both Paris and London? How about that for a weekend treat just before Christmas!

The Demonia party in Paris is on Thursday 10th December, so you can start your trip in London, take the Eurostar to Paris for Demonia, spend a couple of days in France… and be back in perfect time for Skin Two Rubber Ball. Then return home from London.

Or maybe start your trip in Paris, enjoy Demonia, then hop over to London by Eurostar for Skin Two Rubber Ball and fly home from London?

The important thing is to realise that the Eurostar is fast, comfortable and takes you from central London to central Paris just like a super de luxe subway train. No need to fly! If you are coming over from the USA, or even from within Europe, this is a super holiday trip!
Get information here…

Skin Two Rubber Ball: www.skintworubberball.com
Demonia: www.nuit-demonia.com
Eurostar: www.eurostar.com

Before You Marry Me…

Dear Patrick,
I can’t believe I am writing to you, but my fiance has insisted. He says he has certain needs and he feels it would be best if I knew about them before we got married. It actually sounds to me as if I have to gratify his fantasies, or he will break it off with me. I don’t want that, I love him. But I can’t understand the things that I see on this website. I can understand the appeal of a woman dressed in a sexy way—all men like their lingerie and I have the usual club attire with a latex dress and high heels. But it never occurred to me that somebody I love would want to be tied up or hurt, the thought makes me cringe. What can I do to save my engagement?
Baffled

Dear Baffled,
Hooboy. My heart goes out to you. It is disorienting and sometimes even frightening or disgusting to look at explicit images of a form of sexuality that doesn’t turn you on. You have your own idea of what is sexy, and certain expectations of your husband-to-be. You probably had devoted a lot of thought to what your life would be like with him. And now it’s been upset by his confession.

But I do think it is much, much better for him to tell you about this now. In my own life I have often encountered people who got divorces because their spouses could not satisfy them sexually. This is especially messy if there are children involved. When people are incompatible, it is better for them to agree to be friends and go their separate ways.

Listen to me, now. Don’t just go away and cry. A sexual fetish for being tied up, spanked, or whatever else your husband needs is usually not a casual thing that he can do without to make you happy. If he marries you and has no outlet for these interests, he will either become a bitter and distant man, or he will start seeing women he can pay to dominate him. Is that what you want for yourself? Do you want to be with someone, make love, and then always wonder if it was enough to really satisfy him? Most BDSM people like vanilla sex as well, but we are not emotionally stable if we can’t express this side of ourselves.
I can say that I have sometimes managed to introduce women to BDSM who had never thought of it as a possibility before. Their imaginations get stimulated, they are curious, and they are willing to try it. But there is a big difference between a newcomer who takes to it like a fish released in water, or the person who thinks maybe they could pretend to do it if they only had to do a little and they didn’t have to go through that ordeal very often.

If you fall into the latter category, your husband will be able to tell that you aren’t really enjoying what you are doing. (If he can’t tell, he’s an ass, and you should divorce him anyway.) The little bit of play that he gets won’t be enough. But to you it will feel as if you have done a lot for him, because you have exceeded your own preferences to try to oblige him. That won’t work either.

From your letter, it doesn’t sound as if you want to see what BDSM feels like before you make up your mind. You don’t express any fantasies about it or curiosity about what you are seeing. It’s just turning you off. But I may be misjudging you. If you are curious, maybe you should ask your fiance to do a little bit of a scene with you so you can have a real experience instead of judgments.

Once again, the success or failure of that experience is based on your own sexuality. If getting tied up makes you wet, if having him spank you makes you want to come, then you are in the right place. But if you are uncomfortable and feel out of place, don’t inflict that on yourself. Stop the experiment before you feel even worse.

I wish I could hand you a magic formula to either take away his fetish or create the same needs in you. But such things seem to be hard-wired or learned/socialized at such an early age that they cannot be changed. Just don’t blame yourself—or him. This is nobody’s fault. This may be the most important decision you’ll ever make—for yourself and for your children. Be selfish. Consider your own needs, and put them first. You deserve a relationship that is satisfying for you, whether kinky or not.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Montreal Kinky Festival: Vid Vicious Photos

Montreal Kinky Festival 2009 featured a photo studio, where you could have a portrait made by a top professional. Vid Vicious is well known for his participation in Showcase Television’s “Webdreams 2.0” reality show and he has won Best Adult Awards Online Male Personality of the Year. Read more

Helmut Newton’s SUMO – The biggest, most lavish fetish photo book of the 20th century is back!

The late Helmut Newton was arguably the most famous fetish photographer ever. His iconic book, SUMO, was published in an edition of 10,000 signed and numbered copies. It broke all records for weight, size and retail price – SUMO was huge and it cost £7,500 UK pounds! Read more

Viktoria Modesta launches new music project

Famous on the fetish scene as the face of Torture Garden clothing and also Skin Two issue 58 cover girl,  Viktoria Modesta recently launched her musical career with the release of three unique tracks described as a mix of Pop, Electro and Rockabilly.

Viktoria’s scant regard for convention and stereotypes is evident in her unique approach to fashion, music and life. Her immaculate styling and flamboyant personality is reflected throughout all of her work, giving it an undeniable edge of authenticity.

A clear vision and steel determination, has seen her rise from a small town Latvian girl to an internationally acclaimed young woman, who is known for challenging mainstream notions of beauty, across many genres and generations.

Look out for MODESTA’s upcoming shows in the UK over the next few months, including a show this Friday night, 16th October at Cafe de Paris in London.

Previews of the songs, pictures and information concerning tour dates can be found on her website: www.ViktoriaModesta.com

“Our unsigned act of the month comes in the shape of MODESTA, a shockingly talented female solo artist ….. model turned songstress with attitude” – Brand Amp

Photo Credits:
Top image by Victoria Hopkinson, MUA, HAIR and STYLING by Viktoria Fix wearing House of Harlot Stockings

Center image by Mike Tsang, Hair Roy Hayward, MUA Suki

Last image by Marla Rutherford, Wearing TG Clothing Cape, MUA Jenifer Corona

Divided by a Common Language

Dear Patrick,
What is this obsession Americans have about tops and bottoms? It’s as if they are two different species. My friends and I like kinky sex along with all the regular stuff, but we’d never make a big deal out of a bottom who suddenly decided to top, for example. Unless they’d made a mess of it! We’d just all say “Good for her,” or him, and order another pint and see what we could scare up for our own evening entertainment. Aren’t we all a bit of both? Depending on who I am with, a totally different side of me might come out, and I don’t want to limit my options by getting stuck with some label. But it seems to me the whole scene is overrun with American influence!
Made in Britain

Dear Made in Britain,
You’re bringing up two points, really—whether American kinksters have too much influence overseas, and whether any useful purpose is served by using labels like “top” and “bottom.” Wish I knew what you think about the term “switch,” because a lot of the desires and behavior you describe could fit—no, I won’t say it. You are beyond labels.

Let me take the first issue first. A preoccupation with order is often associated with this thing called topness. It’s certainly true that during the last decade, there was a virtual explosion of S/M literature that came from the US. Suddenly we had instruction manuals for nipple play, spanking, how to be a mistress, how to be a bottom, yada yada yada. Greenery Press has done a lot of good in this area. I frankly would have devoured these books like toffee if they’d been available when I was a sprout of a sadist. But they might have put me off as well. All this instruction can take the spontaneity and wicked fun out of it. As my British friends have pointed out, Americans can talk your head off. They negotiate so much there’s no energy left to be naughty.

But I think publications like Skin Two (and there aren’t really any that compare) have done a great job of publicizing British and European resources. When I’ve traveled abroad, I’ve found thriving kinky communities in every city. (Vienna, I miss you guys!!) Each one has its own flavor, style, slang, mores, and specialties. But there’s not such a tendency to keep track of the scene’s history in England and Europe, which is a shame, because some of the hottest erotica and most stylish looks come out of that world.

As far as I am concerned, America will always be The Colonies, and the spiritual home of all kinky people is England. Victorians referred to spanking as “the English vice,” for good reason. Nowhere else do you find the same kind of brisk discipline, stiff upper lip masochism, and rude jokes. You can stack up all the books by American authors but they won’t reach as high as that.

I know that multinational capitalism is responsible for the spread of a lot of American crap. But especially in subcultures, we have the freedom to make things our own. If you don’t like the American flavor of pervery, by all means, write and publish and sing and runway your own. And invite me to the party.

Second, you are asking a bigger question about terminology and roles. Just how formal do we need to be when we define our identities? Do we lose something when we polarize certain behaviors or desires and think of them as opposites? Well, of course! That’s why paradigms are constantly being remade, reshaped, subverted, inverted, and rediscovered. But humans are such tricky and complicated animals that every time we think we understand ourselves and have a way to describe it, we defeat our own wisdom, slip out of the boxes, and turn into something else. It’s fascinating.

I really like the approach that you and your friends have taken to BDSM. I think that it may stand a chance of meeting more people’s needs as well. The use of the top/bottom system has left a lot of people stranded. If you only focus on your needs to submit or get done, you miss out on a lot of the fun of grabbing somebody else and doing them. More switching would take care of some of the problem our community has with lonely bottoms who do not get enough play. But that’s only if everyone would agree to top as much as they bottom.

But I don’t think you are going to get rid of the polarization because for many people, it is the most accurate description of their core sexual needs and personalities. I’ve heard many bottoms say that they won’t play with a top who switches. They need that polarization before they can feel that the top genuinely wants to do things to them. There’s also a minority of tops who don’t like bottoms who switch, but we do tend to be less picky about it. I think for many tops, the idea of bottoms who switch is like straight men who like lesbian porn. We want to watch it, we think it’s cute and hot, but in the back of our minds we always imagine wading in and refocusing the action on our own implements.

Some people eroticize the idea of having sex with someone who is like themselves. They relax, get excited, and feel safe when they believe the other person wants the same thing that they do. But others eroticize difference and the tension and mystery that comes with it. They are not excited by someone who resembles them. They might require a difference in gender expression, body size, race, class, or sexual energy.

Over the three decades I’ve been in this community, I have always seen both components within BDSM. There are the people who want their set categories to be mutually exclusive. They feel they are entitled to a certain amount of respect because of the time and energy they devote to maintaining certain standards of conduct and appearance. Many of them like uniforms. Then there are the anarchic, polymorphous perverse troublemakers who just do exactly what they want, when they want it, without consulting the rule book first. I believe there’s a lot of excitement to be had in just knowing you are thumbing your nose at a perhaps older and certainly more rigid crowd. The look for this group of people is more eclectic and cutting-edge.

Besides. Seriously. What if you wrote to me and I said, “You have to cut this out, figure out what you are, and stick to that. That’s the only way you’re going to be honest or find any happiness or a stable relationship.”? You’d just say “bollocks” and do whatever you wanted to do. As it should be!

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at patrick@skintwo.com

Rubbered Up North 2: The Second Coming, 7th November 09

Rubbered Up North is the invention of the lifestyle dominatrix Mistress Evi and implemented by a crack team of guerrilla rubberists including webgimp Royalle and CandyLatexCD, who operate in secret from the hills around Manchester. Based on the format of the successful “B&B with Mistress Evi” parties, RUN is the next generation of quirky small-scale events with a friendly all-inclusive atmosphere.

The ethos of Rubbered Up North is one of unconventionality and community. They have a perverse fascination with being different from other fetish events – they have an afternoon timeslot, they allocate places by invitation and they feed you.

RUN is a social gathering and a forum for others in the community to show off, be it crafts, play, costume or ideas. The venue enables a variety of activities to exist side by side without overlapping. There’s dancing, eating and socialising in the bar, retail opportunities, a fully equipped dungeon, two pools, a sauna and numerous smaller playrooms. All are well furnished and spotlessly clean. They also have full changing facilities and secure lockers for those many outfits.

The first RUN event took place on June 16th this year with the guest of honour Steffy, The Rubberdoll from Canada. They had had guests from all over Europe and pole dancing with Mistress H, who also gave tuition to willing volunteers… and some unwilling. There was a demo of needle play by the fearsome Rubesque. The circular chamber hosted Mr and Mrs Magneto, masters of electricity, who were on hand to demonstrate their extensive collection of vintage electro-medical devices, including an electric chair! RUN TV, their own TV channel, broadcast on the main screen while dinner was served.

This time, they aim to out-do themselves with maid service. Lovely rubbermaids will attend to your whims. There’s a demonstration of scuba bondage in the plunge pool, a medical area where you can find the cure for what ails you and house dommes will be on hand to put you through your paces. RUN TV2 has the coolest most eclectic playlist you’ll find anywhere and there’s food to die for.

There will be goods on sale from the great guys at Latex 101 who were so much fun at RUN1. Additionally, they have designers so new they’ve yet to break through. Bondagekitten and her rubber BDSM apparel and Catalyst Latex who will do you a mean latex kilt, sporran and Glengarry. The wonderful Mistress H who wowed everyone on the pole at RUN1 makes a welcome return this time, bringing her stunning bespoke hand-made hats. Also if you feel like you haven’t played enough when the sun goes down, they have been granted the use of the Manchester Dungeon for our afterparty by its owner Mistress Julia Pink. This is a  where you can take full advantage of some of the best equipment in the North.

Full details of the event are available at www.rubberedupnorth.co.uk

Places are filling fast, but they still welcome applications for an invitation to rubberedupnorth@hotmail.co.uk.
Tickets are £20 with VIP available. address of the venue is: Partners, Whitelegge St, Bury BL8 1SW

The event runs from 12.pm to 7.00 pm with the afterparty at the Manchester Dungeon from 7.00pm til late.

London Club Subversion celebrates its 5th birthday

Subversion has been part of the London fetish club scene for five years – and the birthday party is on Saturday November 7th

The venue is Hub Club, 2 Goulston St, London E1 7TP and the party is from 10pm to 5am. The theme is sci fi, so get out your space suits or dress as a monster from another planet, a Star Wars character, Star Trek – or wear regular fetish gear, of course.

It’s well worth joining the membership section of the Subversion website. Take a look at www.clubsubversion.com

You can get tickets for Subversion by phoning 020 7582 4545 Monday to Friday from 10 am to 5 pm. Or drop in at Fettered Pleasures, Honour, Expectations, FairyGothMother, Liberation or Breathless. Or simply buy online at www.clubsubversion.com For questions or more info, contact them at info@clubsubversion.com

Photos by Bobette

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